Recently our four-year-old daughter has been acting up. Meltdowns as soon as we don’t allow something she’s asked for, frustration levels peaking if she can’t do something at the first go, storming off, yelling, slamming doors… Not fun!
The sleep deprived, tired and impatient part of me (also being a new mum to her five months old brother) wants to respond to this sort of behaviour with firmness and authority, insisting on boundaries in an attempt to shut down the unwanted behaviour.
Interestingly, I’ve noticed similar scenarios playing out in the dressage arena when training Ollie recently.
Ollie is generally a very willing horse, who tries his heart out for me. But when he feels overwhelmed, set up for failure or treated unfairly, he makes his frustration known. He communicates this to me by becoming unresponsive to the leg, trying to take over the contact and storming off with his head in the air. Nothing dramatic, but nevertheless a clear message saying: “Stop! I don’t like what you’re doing. I am not on your team right now.”
Same as with Alma, things would just escalate if I tried to tackle this behaviour head on. With a horse like Ollie I physically can’t, but even more so, I don’t WANT to ride (or parent) in this old, dominating way.
So, I have opted into applying a more collaborative, more gentle, more positive approach. When I feel Ollie tensing I now back off for one or two strides, giving him “some space to breathe,” as my coach would say. I now start with the easiest version of an exercise and then make it more challenging, rather than rushing into the harder work too quickly when he mentally and physically isn’t ready for it. I try to distract him when he gets hung up on an exercise, rather than pushing through and telling him to get on with it.
Looking back, I realise that in the past I may have asked too much of him too quickly. I may have been too strict, not allowing mistakes to be part of his and my learning journey. Some horses cope with that (like my old horse Revi), but Ollie is a very sensitive soul and needs a different approach. And by being this way, he is making me a better and more compassionate rider!
As a goal-oriented rider, I often compare myself in my training with where I would like to be in the future. This is very helpful in keeping me motivated, even during challenging periods like during non-competition times (COVID, rain, pregnancy), but I am learning to simultaneously ground myself in the current moment, and ride each movement and my horse as he presents himself in that moment. This has worked so much better than constantly comparing him and myself to the end goal, and feeling frustrated that we are not there yet. All I can do right now is work on the ‘here and now’. This helps me be more empathetic, less emotional and more calm, and creates an overall happier and harmonious partnership between Ollie and me.
Of course we still need to deal with challenges in our training and work on correcting mistakes, but the energy is a different one: more balanced and kind, less rushed and demanding.
Those of you who are also parents may be wondering how this is unfolding in my parenting of Alma… And it is strikingly similar! Distracting her attention from the things she is fixated on with something else; making chores more fun by incorporating games; inviting her into my space, showing compassion for her state and remaining in whatever energy she is with her; encouraging progress and learning, not perfection. It may not always seem like the most direct path, but as in life, the scenic route is often the one we can enjoy more, acknowledging the beauty of the journey and not just being focussed on arriving the quickest.
PS: Training horses is still way easier than parenting!